We live in a world where people harp on every word, taking non-literal statements out of context to vilify well-meaning opponents. Fortunately, we have enough chill to treat band names as the figurative artistic expressions that they are. For now.
Let’s fast forward to a future where the hyper-literal movement has reached bands. What are the worst concerts to attend in a world where band names actually mean what they say?
1. Anthrax
The band Anthrax was apparently not thinking of the Google algorithm when they conceived their name. An online search for anthrax yields details of Bacillus anthracis, a bacteria that causes anthrax infection.
While a fear-stricken media campaign made Americans think of anthrax as a substance, the term actually refers to the potentially fatal infection that results from ingesting Bacillus anthracis. So yeah, seeing Anthrax live would mean witnessing others’ (and possibly one’s own) life-threatening infection.
2. Smash Mouth
Anyone who attends a Smash Mouth concert in the hyper-literal alternate universe we’ve created better bring a mouth guard. Your mantra for the night might be Protect Mouth.
Hey now, you’re an all-star; get your mouth smashed, and go home.
3. The Rolling Stones
If The Rolling Stones were actually rolling stones, you might be Jumpin’ higher than Jack Flash as Mick Boulder transformed the crowd surf into the crowd crush. We’re used to seeing Keith Richards stoned, but what if he were, you know, stoned?
The whole “Live Licks” thing The Rolling Stones do might get a bit weird if it were literal, too. We love Mick and the boys but don’t want them licking us. We know where those tongues have been, and we want no part of that.
4. Twisted Sister
How did my sister get on stage, and why is Dee Snider twisting her arm behind her back? We’re not gonna take it. No, really, we’re not. Let go of my sister.
5. Jimmy Eat World
Presumably, Jimmy Eat World also means Jimmy Eat Concert Attendees. We hope you like your seats at the concert. They’re the last you’ll ever buy. Unless you pull off some Jonah-in-the-whale’s-belly-type miracle, you picked the wrong literal concert to attend.
6. The Killers
Instead of a Las Vegas-based rock band led by Brandon Flowers and Dave Keuning, let’s reimagine The Killers as a Death Row-based group of (literal) shredders led by Manson, Dahmer, and Lecter. If you thought security measures were over-the-top at the Taylor Swift concert you attended last year…
7. Smashing Pumpkins
Seeing Smashing Pumpkins live would be like watching the comedian Gallagher smashing his watermelons. Except, you know, with pumpkins.
While some might enjoy seeing the mass destruction of orange winter squashes, do you really want those stringy pumpkin guts all over your concert ‘fit?
8. R.E.M.
It’s hard to enjoy the concert when your Circadian rhythms are in high gear. Though, with the lack of quality sleeps these days, a R.E.M. concert might be just what the doctor ordered.
It’s the end of the insomnia as we know it.
9. Megadeath
“Megadeath” literally translates to “Jim Jones’ compound in Guayana.” With respect for those who lost their lives at Jonestown, don’t drink the Kool-Aid at the Megadeath concert. For some reason, this LA-based metal band decided to take themselves way too seriously—and way too literally.
Could we at least settle for Moderatedeath? If we have our way, it would be Nodeath, but that’s probably too much to ask.
10. Poison
Finally, like Anthrax, we’re just not interested in seeing Poison at Literal Live 2024.
This thread inspired this post.
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